Traveling with Jack is… how shall I put this… a roller coaster of crazy.
This morning, we left for the airport about 15 minutes after he had wanted to leave, which incidentally was the exact time I had originally wanted to leave. If Jack had his way, we would be at THE GATE exactly 2 hours before BOARDING TIME, because like I said, roller coaster. Crazy.
(No, I did not sabotage the schedule.)
(Shut up, I didn’t.)
There are a couple of stages to traveling with Jack, especially if it’s a morning flight. First, there is exuberance upon waking. Because in Hornbuckle’s world, IT IS A BRAND NEW DAY TRALALALALA! Remember the “Morning’s here” guy on that one episode of Friends? Yeah, I married him.
This is the day that The Lord has made and HE WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT AT ME.
Then, like a tornado suddenly changes direction and rips the roof of your house right off, Jack realizes that WE HAVE 10 MINUTES UNTIL WE HAVE TO LEAVE AND OMG WE ARE GOING TO MISS OUR PLANE AND ALSO PROBABLY DIE.
This leads to the “driving like a bat out of hell” stage, which is both uncharacteristic and terrifying of Jack. Also included in this stage is “REALLY”s and “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME”s every time traffic slows down a little bit, or if he happens to see, like, any other cars on the road at any time.
Once we reach the airport and he realizes that we aren’t going to miss our plane (and subsequently DIE) after all, the “Morning’s here” guy is back with a vengeance.
“Cheetles! We’re going to Florida!”
“Cheetles! I want Starbucks!”
“Cheetles! Did you see the pictures of our hotel?”
CHEETLES! CHEETLES! CHEETLES!
This morning on the shuttle from our parking space to the airport, as Jack was bouncing off the walls and asking why I wasn’t responding (CHEETLES!), I showed him the clock on my phone.
“It is still. Before. 8.”
(In case you were wondering, that explanation does not shut him up.)
The airport itself brings out the “grumpy old man who hates people” stage in Jack. Which is funny, because Jack usually looooooves people and I’m the grumpy old man in the relationship.
The TSA agent is too rude.
The Starbucks barista is too loud.
The people waiting for their coffee are pushing in front of us even though we ordered first.
The guy over there is standing right in front of the TV and nobody else can see it now.
Fortunately, this leads to the making sarcastic comments stage, which is where Jack and I come back together as one and I remember why I fell in love with him.
Nothing will bring you together as a couple faster than making fun of others.
So as we were finally boarding the plane, we saw that the door on the other side of the entrance was also open, I guess so they could load food things on as people boarded.
The lady in front of us looked behind her and made a comment about how that was unusual, and I jokingly replied that I guess that we’re supposed to just go all the way through and get on the little Sky Chefs trailer.
I was still laughing at my little joke when I saw the lady ACTUALLY START WALKING ALL THE WAY THROUGH to the trailer. She got almost inside before the flight attendant stopped her and pointed her in the right direction, which was, you know, toward the actual plane.
Jack and I looked at each other wide-eyed, stifling a laugh.
“Way to go, Mandy,” he teased. “You almost put her on the food trailer.”
“I thought she knew I was kidding!”
Apparently she didn’t.
Maybe I should save my sarcasm for outside the secure areas.